A while back I was picking up my nephews from preschool.
As I passed one of the rooms, I saw a young girl putting together a puzzle on the floor. She was talking out loud, even though there was no one else in the room with her:
“That piece should be there,” she said. And when it didn’t fit:
“No, that’s not right… Try again.”
In another room my nephew was putting together a toy train track:
“The curve goes here. We need to close it up. Oh, we need another piece. Put a switch there.”
Notice how both kids were talking to themselves:
Famous Russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky discovered that we begin talking to ourselves like this from a very early age, starting in our toddler years – typically at about the age of three. [1]
He observed kids while they were playing, and noticed they were giving themselves instructions, particularly during challenging tasks. According to Vygotsky, this self-talk has an important purpose for them:
It helps them steer their behavior and organize their thoughts.
While the conversations we have with ourselves as toddlers are clearly identifiable and well-heard, from at the age of seven and onward they become more internalized and automatic, and ultimately persist as a lifelong companion.
In fact, at some point, our self-talk has become so intimate and constant, that we actually consider it thought itself. [2]
For many of us it can become a severely debilitating source of rumination, anxiety and even depression. But on the bright side:
Taking control of our inner talk is also one of the most effective, yet least utilized tools available to master our psyche and boost our personal happiness, performance and success.
In this article we’ll explore how to do so, while busting a few persistent self-help myths in the process and finally getting clear on what does and doesn’t work.
So let’s dig in…
YOU TOO Are Talking To Yourself
Self-talk is a ubiquitous human phenomenon. We all have an internal monologue that we engage in from time to time.
According to sports psychologist Antonis Hatzigeorgiadis, we talk to ourselves for three reasons:
- To instruct ourselves:
Instructional self-talk happens when we need to guide ourselves through a specific task, such as learning a new skill. - To motivate ourselves:
Motivational self-talk can help to boost our effort and increase our confidence when we want to psych ourselves up for something challenging. - To evaluate ourselves:
Evaluative self-talk mostly has to do with our opinions about ourselves and our behavior in relation to past events and/or actions.
Scientists who study our inner voice typically presume it takes shape during our early childhood, and gradually captures a particular essence as it evolves. [4, 5]
Pinpointing exactly what shaped the nature of our inner voice and when that happened is not always a clear and straightforward task.
Some psychologists think that our inner voice is mostly an echo of the voice of our parents. From their point of view…:
- If we used to be spoken to in a strict and disapproving way, then our inner voice probably reflects that drift. On the other hand:
- If we were often complimented and praised, then the tone of our inner voice will generally be more positive. (<-- Unless that praise was excessive, in which case the effect is rather the opposite.)
Nevertheless, research shows that other people who play(ed) an important role in our lives also impact the way we talk to ourselves, such as teachers and peers. For example: [6]
Kids who have generally been exposed to more constructive and commending conversation typically speak to themselves more positively as well, even if the praise they heard wasn’t specifically addressed to them in particular (<-- “Well done everybody!”).
But regardless of what exactly shapes the nature of our self-talk, it’s clear that it does have a measurable impact on both our overall disposition and our performance.
Here’s how…
How We ‘Walk’ Our Self-Talk
We can compare our own inner voice to the voice of a sportscaster, who’s permanently keeping an eye on us from the sidelines of our life and is always there to comment. For example:
- We could be working on an important task at our job… (<-- “You can do it!”)
- We could be trying on some new swimwear in the fitting room… (<-- “Gosh, I got fat – look at those rolls…”)
- We could be having trouble getting out of bed in the morning to get started on our enormous to-do list… (<-- “Good grief, what a lazy bastard I am…”)
Whatever situation we find ourselves in, the voice is always there… And indeed:
Research into the effect of our self-talk shows that the way we talk to ourselves can make a difference in our disposition. For example: [7, 8]
But besides on our complexion, our self-talk also has an effect on our performance. As a few quick examples:
So evidently, a more constructive tone in our self-talk can make a significant difference in our well-being and performance… which begs the question:
How do we get our inner voice to motivate and coach us, instead of constantly finding fault and reasons to be anxious, frustrated, or depressed?
To get a grip on that, it serves us well to know the things that certainly don’t work…
What DOESN’T Work To Change Your Self-Talk?
To improve our self-talk – along with our overall disposition and performance – popular self-help experts often recommend the repetition of all kinds of ‘positive affirmations,’ such as:
- “I am loveable.”
- “I am strong, powerful, nothing is stopping me.”
- “I am so happy and grateful now that I’m rich.”
- “I accept myself completely.”
- Etc.
The idea is that if we repeat statements like these often enough, or write them on sticky notes and put them in places where we can see them all the time (<-- like on our bathroom mirror or the fridge), we’ll eventually begin to believe what they say.
But is that actually what happens?
To put this notion to the test, Canadian researchers let their subjects repeat the popular affirmation “I am loveable.” The results were striking: [11]
- Only those people who ordinarily felt good about themselves already also felt better from speaking out the affirmation. However:
- Those who didn’t already have a great degree of self-confidence – i.e. the very folks who most needed the envisioned boost – experienced the very opposite effect: They felt even worse about themselves!
How is that possible?
The researchers explain how positive affirmations simply aren’t believable for people who don’t think much of themselves to start with:
- When we feel we’re inadequate in a particular area, a positive self-statement to the contrary rather emphasizes the difference between who we are now and who we’d like to be.
- As a result, trying to make ourselves believe that we’re enormously valuable while we really don’t feel like that is not only ineffective, but actually detrimental.
And we can’t simply deny or ‘undo’ that effect by mentally manufacturing some ‘positive emotion’ to augment the affirmation, like many experts suggest:
Whatever we try to artificially make ourselves feel can’t trump the automatically generated, real emotion that’s triggered by the implicit knowing that we’re not yet who we’d like to be. And a self-statement to the contrary rather awakens and accentuates that discomforting realization.
So the question is…
What DOES Work To Change Your Self-Talk?
When we seek to change excessively dysfunctional self-talk, there are two overall strategies that science has demonstrated to be effective.
Let’s explore what they are, so we can formulate our next course of action from there:
* Strategy #1: Gain Psychological Distance
New research by psychologist Ethan Kross from the University of Michigan suggests that one key is to learn how to take some psychological distance from ourselves in challenging situations, which avoids getting absorbed in our momentary emotions.
By disidentifying from the emotional turmoil, we don’t experience our feelings as intensely as we normally do… which helps us gain control of ourselves, be more effective, and perform better as a result.
However, for many of us that’s easier said than done. That’s why we can benefit greatly from a couple of simple tricks.
(Aside from the ones we’ll explore below, check out the technique described in this article too. And learn how to dig even deeper into the very roots of your negative self-talk with the Crack Your Egg Program.)
For instance:
So gaining psychological distance by cognitively taking a step back to observe ourselves from a mental distance enables self-control, and allows us to minimize rumination, think more clearly and perform more competently.
(Most of us have actually have first-hand experience of this effect: we often find ourselves capable of clearly pointing out to others what’s best for them, while having a much harder time doing the same for ourselves.)
That’s how a less egocentric perspective diminishes negative emotions and self-talk, and helps us gain back perspective, focus more deeply and plan more constructively for the future.
But beyond that, there’s a second proven approach that helps improve the nature of our self-talk…
* Strategy #2: Broaden Your Self-Concept
Typically, we like to view ourselves as competent, compassionate and worthy individuals. But when we seem to fall short in one area of our lives, that sense of inadequacy can begin to dominate our entire self-concept:
The ensuing negative thoughts and emotions can have a significant adverse impact on our overall self-esteem and view of ourselves as a whole.
Fortunately, recent research from Cornell University emphasizes the positive effect of broadening our view of ourselves to specifically include other roles and areas that are important to us: [14]
So simply broadening your self-concept by thinking of the other roles and areas that are important to you in life can immediately restore your self-worth and undo the constricted perspective that your negative self-talk imposes on you.
Even affirmations can work to this end, provided that we use them the right way:
- As we’ve seen, it’s of no use to apply affirmations in an attempt to seduce ourselves into feeling great when we really don’t – that won’t happen no matter how many times we repeat them. However:
- Affirmations can work for us if we use them to help widen our perspective on ourselves whenever we find ourselves stuck in the tunnel vision of a constricted self-concept… and dwelling on just one facet of our personality that’s merely temporarily challenged in its worthiness.
So having explored these two strategies, let’s now define three proven, simple-to-use tactics that will help you take control of your self-talk… so you can turn your inner voice from a grumpy and bad-tempered criticaster into a supportive and motivating coach:
Conclusion: 3 Steps To Take Back Control Of Your Mind
Here’s how you can:
1) Step #1 – Get to know your own inner voice.
In order to change anything in your self-talk, you first need to become aware of when you’re actually talking to yourself. So ask yourself:
- When do you typically notice you’re talking to yourself (either out loud or internally)?
- What do you typically find yourself saying in those instances?
- Are there any particular situations in which your inner voice seems to be especially critical? (<-- Perhaps in certain social situations… at work… when you’re looking in the mirror… etc.)
- Does your inner voice remind you of someone who is or used to be close to you? If so, of whom in particular? (<-- Pay special attention to the first person(s) that pop(s) into your mind when you read this question - maybe it’s a parent... a teacher... a boss... etc.)
- If you’d have to address or refer to your inner voice, how would you call it? (<-- For example, if you would have to give it a name, nickname, or description, what would it be? Grumpy Griff? Complaining Karen? Your Honor? Gilbert Gottfried?)
Then as you get more familiar with it, include the next step…
2) Step #2 – Broaden your view of yourself.
As explained, when your inner voice makes you feel like you’re inadequate or falling short in one particular area of your life, it helps to deliberately expand your view of yourself by focusing on the other roles you play as well. To do so, ask yourself:
- Which of your roles do you find important in life? (<-- For example: partner, parent, employee, team mate, volunteer, cyclist, runner, friend, etc.)
- And how important do you find them relative to each other? (<-- Which roles are more important, and which less essential?)
Here’s an easy way to make use of this insight:
And finally, here’s how you can actually put your self-talk to good use…
3) Step #3 – Rephrase your self-talk’s lingo (the right way).
When your inner voice tends to be excessively negative in tone, deliberately rephrase what it says. That way you can turn it into an actual tool that fosters your happiness and success – little-by-little if need be:
a) Talk to yourself from a psychological distance: use your first name… and instead of speaking from a first person perspective, address yourself as ‘you.’
b) Instead of using negative and critical phrasings, use positive and constructive phrasings that avoid the word ‘not’ and or other forms of negation. For instance, it’s better to say “stay cool” instead of “don’t get upset.” [3]
c) Don’t try to force-feed yourself a lie by trying to make yourself believe something your subconscious mind already knows not to be true (<-- like with the typically-suggested form of ‘positive affirmations’) – you’ll never convince yourself.
Rather stick to the proven types of concise cue words or phrases that are motivational, instructional and evaluative:
- Motivational:
Hint at what you want to see from yourself, as opposed to what you don’t want to see. For example:Saying something like “Not bad, but you need to focus harder next time” would be more motivating than “I wasn’t focused enough,” which implies blame and is more self-defeating than constructive.
- Instructional:
Pre-define specific courses of action you want to apply in certain situations. (<-- In other words, set rules like: “when this situation occurs, do this.” Or: “In this situation, say this.” Etc.)Then when those situations actually occur, activate your pre-defined courses of action by using an instructional cue word or phrase, and then simply carry them out.
- Evaluative:
Swiftly reframe negative self-talk pertaining to just one area of your life by recalling or looking at the pie chart you created under Step #2 above… so you can instantly broaden your self-concept and find basis for genuine encouragement.
Put these techniques to work, and you’ll soon notice the difference in your self-talk!
Now to conclude…
Here’s What To Do Next:
As you’ve seen, when our self-talk is excessively negative, it can turn into a source of painful rumination, anxiety, and even depression. However:
With the three simple techniques we discussed, you can swiftly take control of your self-talk and turn it into a tool to master your psyche and foster your happiness, performance and success.
Now to potentially augment that practice, you might benefit enormously from some deeper inner work that not only automatically improves the nature of our self-talk, but also takes away the very reasons we experience negative self-talk in the first place.
To make that happen, here’s what you can do next (if you’d like to explore this further):
- Check out the ‘Heart-Core Power’-training, on which you learn a process that will naturally improve the nature of your self-talk and enhance your overall happiness, efficacy and vitality in life… without having to force it. (<-- It will be an automatic offshoot of applying the techniques you’ll learn.)
- Go even deeper with the Crack Your Egg Program to discover how to be free from negative self-talk forever, by simply dissolving the very source of negative self-talk and leaving it no reason to even raise its voice to start with.
By engaging in these trainings, you’ll learn how to pull an ‘inner switch’ that completely shifts your energy, mindset and emotional well-being… all in a very gentle and elegant way that doesn’t require struggle, hustle, or force.
And by applying what you learned today, you’ll soon notice the positive difference this will make in your life… like this guy, who gets it:
P.S. Feel free to leave a comment below!
References:
[1] Daugherty, M. and S. White (2008), “Relationships Among Private Speech and Creativity In Head Start and Low-Socioeconomic Status Preschool Children,” The Gifted Child Quarterly 52, pp. 30-39;
[2] Fernyhough, C. (2016), The Voices Within: The History And Science Of How We Talk To Ourselves, Profile Books Ltd., London UK;
[3] Hatzigeorgiadis, A., Zourbanos, N., Galanis, E. and Y. Theodorakis (2011), “Self-Talk and Sports Performance: A Meta-Analysis,” Perspectives on Psychological Science 6(4), pp. 348-356;
[4] Winsler, A., Manfra, L. and R.M. Diaz (2006) “Should I Let Them Talk? Private Speech and Task Performance among Preschool Children With and Without Behaviour Problems,” Early Childhood Research Quarterly 22, pp. 215-231;
[5] Winsler, A. and J. Naglieri, J. (2003), “Overt and Covert Verbal Problem-Solving Strategies: Developmental Trends In Use, Awareness and Relations With Task Performance In Children Aged 5-17,” Child Development 74, pp. 659-678;
[6] Burnett, P.C. and V. Mandel (2010), “Praise and Feedback In The Primary Classroom: Teachers’ and Students’ Perspectives,” Australian Journal of Educational & Developmental Psychology 10, pp. 145-154;
[7] Tod, D., Hardy, J. and E. Oliver (2011), “Effects of Self-Talk: A Systematic Review,” Journal of Sport & Exercise Psychology 33, pp. 666-687;
[8] Kendall P.C. and R.H. Treadwell (2007), “The Role Of Self-Statements As A Mediator In Treatment For Youth With Anxiety Disorders,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 75, pp. 380-389;
[9] Miles, A. and R. Neil (2013), “The Use Of Self-Talk During Elite Cricket Batting Performance,” Psychology of Sport and Exercise 14(6), pp. 875-811;
[10] Rogelberg, S.G. et al. (2013), “The Executive Mind: Leader Self-Talk, Effectiveness and Strain,” Journal of Managerial Psychology 28(2), p. 191;
[11] Wood, J.V., Perunovic, W.Q. and J.W. Lee (2009), “Positive Self-Statements: Power for Some, Peril for Others,” Psychological Science 20(7), pp. 860-866;
[12] Kross, E. et al. (2014), “Self-Talk as a Regulatory Mechanism: How You Do It Matters,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 106(2), pp. 304-324;
[13] Moser, J. S. and T.P. Moran (2014), What’s In Your Name? Third Person Self-Talk Attenuates Neural Markers Of Negative Emotion Processing,” in: Kross, E. and O. Ayduk (Chairs), Self-talk: Towards An Integrative Understanding Of A Basic (Often Overlooked) Regulatory Mechanism, Symposium presented at the Annual Convention of the Association for Psychological Science, San Francisco CA;
[14] Critcher, C.R. and D. Dunning (2015), “Self-Affirmations Provide a Broader Perspective on Self-Threat,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 41(1), pp. 3-18;
[15] Neff, K. (2011), Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself up And Leave Insecurity Behind, HarperCollins, New York NY.
Henk, you are amazing..
Thank. You
Thank you very much. I appreciate articles that truly speak to me as answers to questions I’ve asked myself for years! Keep up the sharing! You need this!
I’ll definitely be using the You instead of I and have coincidently been speaking like I would to a friend, so good to know that was ‘normal’.
I also wanted to point out that we don’t always use words, necessarily. Sometimes a song will pop into my head, reminding me of another time I failed, or a scene from a movie where the characters were feeling the same way I was at that time, etc.
Thanks for your articles,
always inspiring!
Mary
Very important article contains useful information. I’ll read it a few times for it to sink in. Thank you again. I enjoy and benefit from all of your articles along with your researched facts .
Thank you great article I really enjoyed it . I started to talk myself into taking time to read which I enjoy reading any way. When you self talk you can listen to your other sensitive areas.
The only thing I can say: ‘Thank you’
Dr. Dipty Ganguky
Henk, This is great and fortunately for me very relevant to current thoughts. As always very well expressed and easy to follow.
Thanks Henk!
Brilliant,as usual,Henk!
Love this article. It’s something I’ve been exploring myself lately. I’d go one step further to say that negative self-talk causes physical illness as well as mental. After a conflict with my daughter I was walking in the forest, ruminating over it. The words ‘I am evil” popped into my mind and I felt a sharp twinge of pain. I instantly changed it to positive self-talk and the pain went. I went home and made a list of all my positive qualities. And I took all the negative things that had been said about me and turned them around into positives. Just reading the list made me feel better whether I believed them or not. I also realised that, if that’s what my negative thoughts were doing to me, what were they doing to my daughter, against whom I was harbouring a lot of anger and resentment? It was thought violence. So I also made a list of her positive qualities and the more I wrote the more I could think of and it totally changed the way I felt towards her. I also believe that “I am” affirmations do work in the long term, if not immediately, whether you believe them or not. 2 years ago I was suddenly struck with debilitating panic attacks and anxiety and a whole raft of horrendous menopause symptoms. I read about affirmations and I kept affirming “I now enjoy perfect health,” over and over. I was at my lowest ebb, I thought I had nothing to look forward to but a slow decline into old age and poor health. Perfect health was an impossible dream that I could not believe in but I doggedly stuck with the affirmations. 5 months later, not only was my health perfect but it was better than it had been in 18 years.
Very informative and excellent article… Thank you for sharing.
Took me back several decade when my father used to talk to himself. I would ask him why he did that?
His answer was: “I’m talking to an intelligent person!” Made perfect sense to me.??
Thank you again….I enjoy and benefit from all of your articles along with your researched facts .
Stay forward bound!
Donna
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I’ll read it a few times for it to sink in. So true about what you said about affirmations that you don’t really believe making you feel worse than before.
Love it and I actually noticed that I already used these techniques in past and they worked!
This is exactly what I needed to ‘discover’ today. I already understood this but I doubt myself, as so many others do/helped me to do. I changed my affirmations and inner voice to you statements and my growth sped up significantly which is what I wanted, but don’t recommend now (growing speedily, a lot to do all at once). What a bumpy ride, I’m still here though!
Absolutely, you statements are essential! But if the people who delivered them in the beginning are people you placed much importance on, take it easy, their gaps can be difficult to accept. Emotions will surface! And you’ll have some grieving to do. What’s on the other side is personal freedom! At long last.
Thanks Henk. The Crack Your Egg program and your emails have been very useful tools in my own personal development tool belt. Much appreciation.
Thanks Henk for some valuable perspective on how self-talk governs our mind and emotions. I especially like the point to use your name rather than the pronoun of I when making statements.
Very valuable information…..many thanks!
A question: As the Field of Heart Energy is 5,000 times more potent than the brain, do I address affirmations with You instead of I?
Could make quite a difference.
Regards Les Wade
Hi Les, thanks! Yes, if you want to use them, best switch to the 2nd-person format (like “you” or your first name), and use them in the instructional, motivational and evaluative ways as described at the end of the article. ALSO: when you find yourself in one of your higher states, like when something really good happened and you’re all excited, feel free to use first-person affirmations (with “I”) then — that way you’ll reinforce an already existing state, as opposed to trying to convince yourself of something you already believe not to be true. Hope that makes sense!